meet me or not, i'm out of control
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
