I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
