driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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