Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Randomize