yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
