sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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