I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
