Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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