I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
