Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I'm really busy with my period
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