i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
