in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
