I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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