Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
