I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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