I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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