i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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