He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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