He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
