how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
