Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
