The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
