If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
