I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
