went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
