Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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