Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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