is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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