I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
