our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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