i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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