that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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