Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
