he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
