Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
