Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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