shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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