He disabled his match.com account in front of me
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
