I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
