i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize