Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
