Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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