Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
