Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
