im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My vagina just clenched in fear
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
