I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
