God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
