my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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