Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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