What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
