As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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