So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Ambien. No doubt about it.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
