god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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