does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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