just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
