i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
