she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
