I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
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