I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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