Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Randomize
