Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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