Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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