Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
