I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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