i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
