normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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