My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
All I want is dick and wine.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
