just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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