Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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