theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
