Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
