he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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