The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
